We have always created structures and broken structures. ![]() There’s a reason that the commandment is repeated twice in the Bible - once for doing it and once for thinking about it. To look at infidelity from the point of view of sex is a complete narrowing of the phenomenon. We want to break our own codes - sometimes of morality, sometimes of ethics, sometimes of the power structure, sometimes of the institution of marriage - because there is freedom and power in transgression. But come on - the power of transgression is the archetypal, foundational story of the Bible. It leads to the question, why do people commit infidelities, of whatever sort, by whatever definition? What are the impulses that people have?Įsther: Sometimes people’s infidelity has to do with the power of their relationship. Then, she did it again, and he was utterly ruined by it. She did it once and then reconciled with her husband. Steve: One letter that we received was from a woman who engaged in an emotional affair with a little sexting mixed in. They are two separate things.Ĭheryl: It’s how the couple feels about it. I don’t believe the degree of betrayal is always commensurate with the egregiousness of the behavior. For some people, a one-night stand doesn’t make any difference in a seven-year love affair. It’s these elements, intersecting with each other - always in different ways, but always present - that constitute infidelity.Ĭheryl Strayed: Many people who write us for advice feel so muddled - should I feel betrayed? Have I betrayed?Įsther: But it doesn’t mean that you are betrayed by it. It is also what’s happening in their erotic mind. The erotic isn’t just what is happening between people’s legs. The kiss that you have never given is just as powerful as hours of actual lovemaking. It means that you look at the sexualization of the interaction. That doesn’t mean that you look at the sexual act. And the third one, which is probably even more important than the second, is that there is a sexual alchemy. Even if you are paying in order to absolve yourself of any emotional involvement. I do consider even going to prostitutes, or seeing a hooker or an escort, as having an emotional component, even if it’s not an emotion necessarily in the relationship. ![]() There can be very minimal involvement emotionally, or there can be a massive love affair. The second element has to do with the fact that there is an emotional involvement, to one degree or another. The same behaviors within an agreed-upon relationship have nothing to do with infidelity. It’s the fact that it’s not within the contract - spoken or unspoken, implicit or explicit - that they had with their partners. It is the structure of an affair - not the sexual or emotional behavior or what people actually are doing. It is the secrecy that leads to the lying, to the deception, to the duplicity. Is it a love affair? Is it paid sex? Is it a chatroom? Is it keeping your dating apps and your Tinder on when you are seeing somebody? Is it using porn? Where do we draw the line? For me, the constitutive element of an affair is the secrecy. Steve Almond: Since there are so many forms to which we ascribe the word infidelity - what do you think of as a useful definition for infidelity?Įsther Perel: The definition of infidelity keeps expanding. In the fourth and final installment, which we'll re-release next week, the Sugars hear from the "other woman." In Part 1 of our Infidelity series, the Sugars heard from people who had been betrayed by their partners. In Part 2, they heard from the betrayers. She's also known for her TED Talks, " Rethinking infidelity.a talk for anyone who has ever loved" and " The secret to desire in a long-term relationship." Her forthcoming book, " The State of Affairs," comes out in October. What qualifies as infidelity? Why do we go through with it? And, perhaps most importantly, what does it mean to us?Įsther is the author of " Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence" and host of Where Should I Begin?, a brand new Audible original audio series. The Sugars' exploration of infidelity continues with a conversation with Esther Perel, a psychotherapist with extensive insight and expertise on the subject. This episode was originally released on September 25, 2015. During the month of May, by popular demand, we're listening back to our 4-part series on Infidelity. The Sugars will be spending the next couple of months working on new episodes.
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